Now Hiring: Soul-Free Copywriter
Does this job posting look oddly familiar?

💼 Now Hiring: Emotionally Disengaged Word Technician
🔹 Do you thrive in environments where bold ideas are gently smothered with an Amish-branded throw pillow?
🔹 Are you skilled in saying absolutely nothing in 600 words or less?

We’re seeking a highly compliant, passionless individual to fill the critical role of Deadline-Obsessed, Curiosity-Free Copywriter.

📝 Responsibilities

  • Turn briefs into briefs, then back into briefs again.
  • Rewrite existing headlines to sound slightly less interesting.
  • Use the word leverage at least 4x per paragraph.
  • Maintain our industry-leading 2% conversion rate by never taking risks.

📋 Requirements

  • 3+ years of content that reads like it was written by a sentient toaster.
  • Deep understanding of corporate tone, specifically: “bland, but with emojis.”
  • Ability to remove all trace of a human voice from any piece of writing.
  • Comfortable working in a Slack thread titled #copy-requests with no context.

🥳 Bonus Perks

  • Unlimited use of filler phrases like innovative solutions and scalable storytelling.
  • A performance review once every fiscal eclipse.
  • Free exposure to brand guidelines written by someone who hates joy.
  • Casual Fridays (but still emotionally formal).
Apply (For Legal Reasons, Don't)
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ABOUT ME

With two decades of experience as a copywriter, I’ve crafted engaging and informative content for a diverse variety of products. B2B, B2C, retail, lifestyle—I’ve covered it all. A self-taught individual with a versatile skill set, my expertise extends beyond copywriting to graphic design, video production, storytelling, startups and even programming/testing.

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STORYTELLING

Finalist-level screenplay writer in Hollywood’s two biggest young talent development programs—Warner Brothers and Disney Fellowship. Privately coached by Emmy-Winning writer from Everybody Loves Raymond.

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STARTUP FOUNDER

Leveraged creative, partnerships, industry influencers, and social media to build a multi-million-dollar success story with no investment, no marketing budget and almost solely organic growth.

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FULL STACK PROGRAMMER

Graduate degree in computer science and coding background. HTML, JS, CSS on a developer level. Managed large software programs for companies like Fox Studios and Oracle.

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2023 RESIDENT FOUNDER

Selected to collaborate with a group of 20 fellow founders to conceive and present innovative startup concepts to venture capitalists in Boulder, CO.

© 2023 Chris Darrell